Thursday, May 31, 2007

Breaking The Habit (Pitch) by Behram Khoshroo

1 comment:

Mark Mayerson said...

Hi B. You've got a nice, loose design style here, but the end is only going to work if you have a regular pattern on the floor. The audience has to recognize that the pattern is intentional and not just more discolored tiles that the kid has messed up. That regularity might work against the looseness of the design, but you're in danger of not having your end point read.

What is the attitude of the kid? Is the kid a troublemaker? Is the kid a budding artist who is genuinely inspired by the artwork? Right now, the conflict is the janitor against the mess, but maybe you should make it the janitor against the kid, in which case the kid's attitude is important. If the kid is a budding artist, maybe he draws or paints something that contributes to fixing things, now understanding the trouble he's caused.

If you don't want to deal with the kid, you could also eliminate the kid and just have the janitor walk into the room already messed up. That way, if you concentrate on the janitor vs. the mess, the kid isn't necessary and you don't have to worry about the kid as a character.